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The Lamp of Tenderness

3/3/2012

70 Comments

 
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I have always had heart trouble–by which I mean that I have always lived primarily in my head.  In meditation, it is always much more natural for me to put my awareness in the ajna chakra between the eyebrows that in my chest area. When I chant the bija mantra “Yam” into the anahata chakra, I become aware of the heart center through the tingling of the sound vibrations, but maintaining awareness of a spinning green light, or any other attempt to be “aware of the presence of God in my heart” has always felt artificial and contrived.  No matter how many times I mentally repeat the Jesus Prayer while going through my day, I keep “hearing” it in my head, not in my heart.

But I discovered this passage in Abdul Baha’s Prayers and Meditations, concerning those people with discernment to see the divine majesty everywhere:

 Surely the lamp of Thy love is burning in their hearts, and the light of Thy tenderness is lit within their breasts.

This passage leapt out at me, demanding my attention, so I treated it as a subject for lectio divina, or "holy reading" meditation, repeating it slowly and deliberately in silence as thought it were mantra or a Centering Prayer “prayer-word.” I found it very focusing. Certainly, the image of a burning lamp in my heart was much easier to hold in awareness than an abstract “heart center” (even one with a rotating wheel of green light in it) and a flame much more concrete than an abstraction like “love.”      

Something else that has plagued me for years is my tendency to sublimate and somaticize difficult emotions.  When my mom was dying, I had suffered from fainting spells; before leaving home and fiancée for graduate school halfway across the country, I endured shortness of breath.  My tendency to live in my head has pushed my body into advocating for my heart, demanding attention for my emotional challenges. Through the practice of yoga and, perhaps, through meditating on this image from this passage, I hope to be finally be able to allow, as the Eastern Orthodox contemplatives put it, the “mind to descend into the heart.”


70 Comments
Jessica Ruhf
3/3/2012 06:52:59 am

Thanks for sharing this, Scott. Most of the people in my life right now are heart-dwellers, and I've been feeling very alone, living in my head among people who simply don't understand how that's possible. Reading this post has me feeling less alone.

I love the phrase "I hope to finally be able to allow, as the Eastern Orthodox contemplatives put it, the 'mind to descend into the heart.'" That makes so much sense to me--I, too, live almost exclusively in my head (a self-protective technique I developed to cope with the trauma of my childhood), and as much as I want my head-knowledge to become heart-knowledge, nothing I've tried has worked. My therapist says to just repeat the head knowledge (particularly, "It's not my fault") until I buy into it, but that doesn't work for me.

I've toyed with the idea of trying yoga, mainly as a method of learning to listen to my body. (Another coping mechanism I developed: ignoring the body. I don't even recognize physical pain until it reaches a level that would have most people in the ER, and even then, I ignore it for a couple weeks before I'm willing to go to the doctor.) I wonder, now, if maybe learning yoga practice would be helpful on an emotional and spiritual level, too. I'll have to think (sigh) about that some more.

Anyway, I really appreciate your willingness to share your struggles so openly. Your writing almost always makes me feel less isolated, which in turn makes me a little less afraid. Thank you.

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So glad to hear that, Jessica! By all means, I think a yoga practice might be a great thing for you.

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    Scott Robinson is an interfaith minister, musician, and spiritual director in Philadelphia. Hear his music at www.mandalaband.net.

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